A Bloody Paradox
by Mikoto Zoku
Summary: I was pondering one day, and came up with a bizzare question: Why, if blood is made of water, does it not burn the vampires when they drink it? Only one way to find out: A trip to Nosgoth!
1. Blood IS Thicker Than Water, Right?

Disclaimer: Bla bla bla.I own nothing.Not even my own sanity.yadda yadda yadda. Happy now?  
  
Blood IS Thicker Than Water, Right?  
  
There has been one question that has been plaguing me for some time now. If the vampires are burned and/or killed by water, then why is it they survive on blood that is made up of something like 90% water? I decided to trace my question to its source.  
  
(Enter Nosgoth)  
  
I decided I would pay Kain and the Lieutenants a visit at the Sanctuary of the Clans, and ask them if they knew the answer to my question.  
  
ZEPHON: Human wench! How dare you show yourself here!  
  
MIKOTO: Can it, Zephon! Or else I shall be forced to use this! (Wields fly swatter. Zephon backs away.)  
  
KAIN: (Trying hard not to show his displeasure at my arrival.) Mikoto! What a.pleasant surprise. What brings you to these parts today?  
  
MIKOTO: Oh, I just have a little favor to ask of you.  
  
KAIN: (Gulps.) What is it *this* time?  
  
MIKOTO: Why do you guys drink blood? It's made of water, which burns you upon contact. So, since it's made of water, how do you survive on it rather than die from it?  
  
(The lieutenants look questioningly at Kain, awaiting an answer. The master vampire sweats under the pressure.)  
  
KAIN: That's nonsense! I'll prove it to you now! (He grabs a nearby slave.) Here, Dumah! Drink!  
  
DUMAH: Okay! (Accepts Kain's gift and begins to feast hungrily on the poor guy.)  
  
KAIN: See? No problem!  
  
DUMAH: AAHHHH!! IT BURNS!!!!  
  
(Dumah drops his meal, fanning the flames roiling from his mouth. He is too stupid to spit the blood out, which would end his torment. He runs around screaming in pain and choking on the blood in his mouth. He blindly runs into a wall and falls to the ground unconscious.)  
  
RAHAB: (Chuckling at his older brother.) He screams like a girl.  
  
(The flames continue to lick at Dumah's face until they spread to his brain. His head explodes with a loud bang.)  
  
MELCHIAH: How the hell did that happen?  
  
RAZIEL: (While giving Turel a high five.er, three.) That was awesome!  
  
TUREL: Yeah! If we get a new brother, we'll have to force him to sniff gunpowder too!  
  
(Zephon picks his nose, wondering if his oldest brothers did the same to him.)  
  
MIKOTO: Well? You still haven't answered my question! You've only managed to prove my theory!  
  
KAIN: (Fidgeting) Well, I. Uh. That is. Get her! Throw her in the dungeon!  
  
MIKOTO: Hey! Wait a minute!  
  
Well, Raziel and Turel captured me and took me away. I was an idiot and didn't try to fight. I was rendered stupid due to Raziel's nearness to me. Turel, I could care less for. They tossed me into a prison cell like a sack of potatoes. I decided to make myself at home. The last time I had been thrown down here, I didn't get out for three days. I immediately introduced myself to my new cellmate.  
  
MIKOTO: Hi! I'm Mikoto! Been here long?  
  
SKELETON ON FLOOR: .  
  
MIKOTO: Didn't think so. So what's your name?  
  
SKELETON ON FLOOR: .  
  
MIKOTO: Oh, you're trying to sleep. Well, until you wake up, I'll just call you Clyde. So Clyde, how long you in for?  
  
CLYDE: .  
  
MIKOTO: That sucks. I don't know how long I'll be in this time. Hey, since you're using the floor, you don't mind if I take the bed, do ya?  
  
CLYDE: .  
  
MIKOTO: (Leaps onto dusty bed.) Cool! You're the best! 


	2. They DO Drink Blood, Don't They?

Disclaimer: If you want to sue me over the LoK rights, don't bother. You can have everything I own. You should be receiving a stick and an empty matchbox in the mail in about a week.  
  
They DO Drink Blood, Don't They?  
  
For a week I stayed in that cell. It wasn't so bad though. Occasionally a human slave would bring me some stale bread and water. I always got mad at her 'cause she never brought any for Clyde. I tried to share with him, but he was always sleeping. I guess he'll eat his when he wakes up. After a week, Turel came and unlocked me from my cell.  
  
TUREL: Lord Kain wishes to see you.  
  
MIKOTO: (Whispering) SSHHH! You'll wake Clyde!  
  
TUREL: Who? (Unlocks door)  
  
MIKOTO: Clyde! (Points to the skeleton)  
  
TUREL: You truly are insane woman! (Grabs me and leads me from dungeon.)  
  
MIKOTO: You seem thinner.  
  
TUREL: Yeah, and it's your fault too!  
  
MIKOTO: (Feigning innocence) How is it my fault?  
  
TUREL: Because of you, Lord Kain has ordered a mandatory fast. Not that anyone has been brave enough to attempt to feed after Dumah's (chuckle) unfortunate accident.  
  
(We enter the pillar room to the Clan Sanctuary. Kain is on his throne. Raziel, Zephon and Melchiah are present. A couple of Dumahim are trying to find a successful way to prop Dumah's headless body into a standing position.)  
  
MIKOTO: Whoah! Dumah! You might want to get a wig for that, or something.  
  
(The Dumahim glare at me, then continue their work. Dumah somehow manages to stay up, supported by a few blunt spears or something. Flies have begun to fester around Dumah's body. His fledges are spraying aerosol cans around his body. One has bug spray, the other air freshener. Not that it would help. Dumah was always the smelliest of the lieutenants, even when he was still alive. The Dumahim leave.)  
  
KAIN: (very grouchy and very hungry) Tell me, Mikoto. Why is it that when you come along and make mention of blood's contents, that we suddenly can no longer feed upon the one thing that sustains us?  
  
MIKOTO: Um.I was hoping you would know?  
  
(Kain growls in annoyance, but before he says anything, there is a disturbance from the entrance of the pillar chamber. Rahab has arrived. However, he has undergone a change. His previously muscular body is now big, round, and bloated. Three of his fledges are rolling him in on his side. They set him upright and leave. All eyes are on Rahab.)  
  
KAIN: What the hell has happened to you! You've swollen like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!  
  
RAHAB: It was the most amazing thing! I found out that I am immune to water! Can you believe it! It seems my children are the same way! We had this incredible feast to celebrate! I don't think there's a human left alive in my clan lands!  
  
RAZIEL: (irritated by Rahab's gluttony) So you gorged yourself for nearly a week to the point of obesity!  
  
RAHAB: *hic* Yeah, pretty much.  
  
RAZIEL: (envious) Lucky dog.  
  
ZEPHON: (enraged) How dare you come in here, gloating about your good fortune when you know we have been starved!  
  
RAHAB: Well, I didn't think.  
  
ZEPHON: No! Of course you didn't think!  
  
(Zephon grabs a spear from a nearby wall and charges Rahab. The bloated vampire has been rendered immobile due to his gluttony. Turel realizes the dangers of Zephon's intentions.)  
  
TUREL: Zephon! You fool! Don't stab him!  
  
(Too late. The spear impales Rahab's gut. His stomach was barely containing its contents. The spear wound opened a threshold for the blood inside to spill out. Zephon realized his blunder and leaps upward to avoid the wave of warm liquid and clings to the ceiling. Melchiah is not so fortunate.)  
  
MELCHIAH: (suffering a direct hit from the blood) Aaaagggghhhhhh!! It burns! Make it stop!  
  
(The blood washes away to reveal a skinless Melchiah. He assesses his new situation.)  
  
MELCHIAH: Oh the horror! It's gone! It's all gone! My beautiful hair is gone!  
  
MIKOTO: Uh, Melchiah, you never had hair. You were bald. Remember?  
  
MELCHIAH: Oh yeah! My skin! My beautiful skin! It's gone! Oh woe is me!  
  
KAIN: (sighs) Don't be such a drama queen! At least you've still got your head. (glances at Dumah's body, which in it's position, mimics a scarecrow.without a head.)  
  
MELCHIAH: (while leaving the pillar chamber) I'm leaving! I need to release some of my pent up frustration!  
  
RAHAB: Can someone please get me a band-aid?  
  
Well, my trip into Nosgoth has been pretty strange so far. But I'm afraid to say, this isn't even the worst of it yet. 


	3. Lack of Blood Doesn't Make Them THAT Stu...

Disclaimer: (do doo DOO) The number you have called cannot be reached, so please hang up and call again. For assistance, dial 'zero' on your touchtone phone. For information, please dial 'four-one-one'. For LoK copyrights, mash a series of random numbers. You probably won't find them there either. If this is an emergency, I think you should already be dialing 'nine-one-one'. Thank you.  
  
Lack of Blood Doesn't Make Them That Stupid, Doesn't It?  
  
Well, Rahab got his band-aid, which he carefully placed on his stomach. He insisted upon the design with the Little Mermaid on it. Go figure. Turel stayed on the ceiling for a while, trying to spit loogies down Dumah's open throat. That was incredibly nasty. Kain finally got him down by firing a telekinetic blast at him. Melchiah had disappeared for some time, but the sounds of some screaming peasants alerted us to his actions.  
  
TUREL: Looks like Melchiah has found some slaves to release his frustrations on.  
  
RAZIEL: I'd probably beat the snot out of someone if my skin was burned completely off my body too.  
  
(Melchiah returns, dusting off his hands from his brutal torture over his victims.)  
  
MELCHIAH: That'll teach those imbeciles! Now.to find some skin until mine grows back. (looks around as if he'll find an extra 'Melchiah skin' lying around.)  
  
MIKOTO: (to Melchiah) You killed those slaves, didn't you?  
  
MELCHIAH: Yeah, why? What's your point?  
  
MIKOTO: Well, obviously they won't be needing THEIR skin anymore, right?  
  
MELCHIAH: Yeah. So what? (picks up a small stone, glances underneath for a skin, then sets the stone back down.)  
  
KAIN: Idiot! Can't you see she's trying to tell you that you could use the skins of those slaves until yours grew back? Moron!  
  
MELCHIAH: (sniff) It's not my fault you gave me the least of your powers! Waaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! (runs away)  
  
MIKOTO: (stares off after Melchiah) Poor guy! You are so mean Kain! Your lucky my new best friend Clyde isn't here! He's a martial arts master, ya know! He'd totally kick your arse!  
  
KAIN: (whispers to Raziel and Turel) Who the hell is Clyde? (Raziel shrugs)  
  
TUREL: Don't worry. It's just some skeleton that twit befriended.  
  
KAIN: (ignoring my threats, obviously) Well, Mikoto. You still have not alleviated yourself of your dilemma. You caused our blood drinking problem. Now you shall have to fix it.  
  
MIKOTO: Well, I. Umm. Wow! Look at the time! Three in the afternoon! I've gotta be gettin' home now!  
  
KAIN: Not so fast! You're not getting off the hook so easily this time!  
  
MIKOTO: Why? What are you gonna do to me now?  
  
KAIN: Another week in the dungeon!  
  
MIKOTO: (excitedly) The dungeon! I get to go in the dungeon again! Oh, Clyde is gonna be so happy to see me! And just when I was afraid you were gonna do something horrible, like release me! Thank the gods you didn't do that!  
  
KAIN: (confused) Wait a minute.  
  
MIKOTO: That outside world is so scary! It's so full of terrifying things! Things that'll eat me! You know, like deers and squirrels and butterflies and stuff.  
  
KAIN: (smiling deviously) I've changed my mind. Raziel, Turel. Cast her outside! Let the beasts of nature devour her!  
  
RAZIEL: Um, Kain? Don't you think there's something fishy about this?  
  
MIKOTO: No! Rahab is the fishy one!  
  
RAHAB: Hey!  
  
TUREL: Yes, I agree. Rahab does smell a little fishy.  
  
RAHAB: You guys suck.  
  
KAIN: Nonsense! You heard it yourselves! She's terrified of the outside! So let her be tormented that way!  
  
MIKOTO: Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!  
  
Raziel and Turel dragged me away. This time I wasn't caught off guard by Raziel's presence. I put up a fight, kicking and screaming the whole way. Well, almost the whole way. The sight of Melchiah prancing around in his new 'slave skin suit of armor' singing "I Feel Pretty" was rather.disturbing. Well, the boys dumped me on my rear outside the Sanctuary doors and slammed the door shut. I tried to claw my way in at first, but I soon ran out of breath from hyperventilating.  
  
MIKOTO: (my eyes dart in various directions) It's so.BIG out here.and so open.and--What was that?  
  
(A bunny hops out from the thicket, and it's headed my way!)  
  
MIKOTO: IT'S GONNA EAT ME ALIVE!!!! Somebody help me!!! 


	4. Do My Eyes Look Bloodshot to You?

Disclaimer: List of Things to Do: (1) Pay bills. (2) Buy groceries. (3) Get car inspected. (4) See shrink because LoK really isn't mine. (5) Release ill-tempered, malnourished, mutant monkeys into the city streets.heh heh heh.  
  
Do My Eyes Look Bloodshot to You?  
  
I swore that bunny was gonna kill me. I high tailed it outta there. I ran until I could run no more. Eventually I found this little cave to hide in. It was already inhabited, so I had to fight to the death for the safety of the cave. That rock moss totally got its arse kicked. That'll teach 'im. I sat in that cave for a day and a half, not daring to sleep a wink. Somehow, Zephon tracked me down.  
  
ZEPHON: There you are, wench! Come out of there!  
  
MIKOTO: No way! I stole my cave fair and square! Just ask the moss!  
  
ZEPHON: Don't make me drag you out!  
  
MIKOTO: Only if you answer me one thing.  
  
ZEPHON: What?  
  
MIKOTO: Do I looked stoned to you?  
  
ZEPHON: (confused) Uh, no?  
  
MIKOTO: C'mon. Really. I've been awake for three days. Do my eyes look all bloodshot?  
  
ZEPHON: Well, kind of, I guess.  
  
MIKOTO: (horrified) Then I DO look stoned!  
  
ZEPHON: Not really.  
  
MIKOTO: You say my eyes are bloodshot, but I don't look stoned. Do you even know what getting stoned is?  
  
ZEPHON: Well, yeah. But usually when you stone someone, they end up all bloody and dead and stuff.  
  
MIKOTO: (rolling my eyes) Nevermind.  
  
Zephon led me back to the Sanctuary. Thank god those crickets I was hearing didn't come out and attack me. Back at the Sanctuary, things seemed to have gotten weirder. Melchiah had dug this really deep pit. He was leaning over it, looking down inside, holding a rope that was dangling down into the pit.  
  
MELCHIAH: It puts the lotion on the skin and then it. (how does the rest of this go?) .puts it back again.  
  
MIKOTO: Woah. Now that's just creepy.  
  
ZEPHON: Just keep walking. Don't look at him. Just keep walking.  
  
We entered the pillar chamber. Raziel, Turel, Rahab, and Dumah were present. Surprisingly, Dumah's head had finally grown back, although, it was still quite disfigured.  
  
MIKOTO: Hey Dumah! Nice to see ya again!  
  
DUMAH: (grumbles)  
  
(Dumah turns his attention back to Turel, who is trying to give the newly revived vampire something.)  
  
MIKOTO: (to Raziel) What's Turel doing?  
  
RAZIEL: (snickers) I can't believe he's gonna fall for it again!  
  
MIKOTO: Don't tell me he isn't doing THAT again!  
  
RAZIEL: (laughs hysterically) Yeah!  
  
MIKOTO: But he just grew his head back! And you're making him sniff that gunpowder stuff again?  
  
RAZIEL: YES!!  
  
(Unfortunately for Dumah, Raziel is right. Turel has convinced Dumah the Dumbass to sniff more of his special gunpowder mix. While we wait for Kain to arrive, I go over to Rahab to say hello.)  
  
MIKOTO: Hello, Rahab.  
  
RAHAB: (sighs)  
  
MIKOTO: What's wrong?  
  
RAHAB: Isn't she the most beautiful thing?  
  
MIKOTO: Who?  
  
RAHAB: Her. (points to his Little Mermaid band-aid, which he no longer needs; he just continues to wear it anyway)  
  
MIKOTO: I hate to disappoint you, but she isn't real.  
  
RAHAB: (defensively) She IS so! And one day we're gonna get married! You'll see!  
  
KAIN: Who are you going to marry?  
  
MIKOTO: Ariel.  
  
KAIN: ARIEL?? Why in the world would you want to marry that ghoulish creature! Half of her face is missing and she doesn't even have any feet! Sure, she might've been pretty once, when she was still alive, but she's a hideous she-beast now!  
  
ARIEL: (having materialized upon hearing her name) You ungrateful jerk! (smacks him with a chunk of the balance pillar) See if I ever take you out on a date again! (dematerializes)  
  
ZEPHON: Ariel took you out on a date? (snickers)  
  
KAIN: (rubs lump on his head) Shut up!  
  
RAHAB: Actually, I'm going to marry a different Ariel. (pines over the mermaid band-aid)  
  
Well, I was finally back in the safety of the Sanctuary. That is, if you could say that a human in the middle of a bunch of vampires is safe. I felt pretty safe anyway. At least Bambi wouldn't try to kill me with his AK-47 in here.  
  
REVIEW RESPONSE:  
  
Wolfywoman: Actually, no I really didn't know that. I guess the vamps don't either. But it's very interesting. Maybe that's how I'll end this thing, 'cause I really didn't know how I was going to. Anyway, this is just dumb humor, or really bad humor, or both.so I guess it doesn't really matter. I just wanted to be silly. So no, I don't take it as a flame.  
  
Lilith: I'm glad you likes it! I wasn't sure if this was really funny or not without someone else's opinion. I just can't seem to laugh at my own jokes. Anyway, Clyde says 'Hi' and he's been bugging me to get your phone number. Um, oh yeah, I was planning on a reverse psychology thing, but.Nosgoth is scary! All the daisies and chirping birds and happy things. (shudders) Oh, and thanks for pointing out that Rahab/Melchiah mistake! I fixed it! I guess I shouldn't write fanfic at 3 a.m. huh? 


	5. Donating Blood is Cool!

Disclaimer: You have, two, new messages. New message, Monday, June, 23rd, 10:57 a.m. "Yes. Hi. I'm calling on behalf of Crystal Dynamics. It seems as though you have been infringing on the copyrights of some of our characters. If you would please give us a call back to straighten this matter out, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks."  
  
New message, Thursday, June, 26th, 3:42 p.m. "Hello. This is Crystal Dynamics. We received your package in the mail. It seems the stick and empty box of matches is not enough to compensate for the monetary damages you are being held liable for. We would really appreciate hearing from you as soon as possible. Thank you." End of messages.  
  
Mikoto: Those fools! They shall never find me! Muahahahahaha! (I close myself inside a cardboard box labeled 'Mikoto is far, far away from here!')  
  
Donating Blood is Cool!  
  
MIKOTO: And did you know that in my world, people actually GIVE their blood away to other people? They just GIVE it way! For free!  
  
ZEPHON: Will you stop tormenting us, woman? We don't care to hear any more of your farfetched tales!  
  
MIKOTO: (ignoring Zephon) And it's really cool to watch when they take your blood. The little pouch just fills and fills and it's really weird that it's a whole pint of your very own blood in that little bag!  
  
ZEPHON: Gah! You're driving me insane! (runs through the wall in a psychotic fit, leaving a Zephon-shaped hole in the wall)  
  
KAIN: Idiot. Oh well. I needed a new door somewhere.  
  
MIKOTO: And if the nurse isn't looking, you stand up really fast and you get all dizzy and stuff and you fall over. Then you get juice and cookies.  
  
MELCHIAH: (finally done with his 'Silence of the Lambs' impression, thank god) I want juice and cookies!  
  
TUREL: You have to go donate blood first, dummy.  
  
MELCHIAH: (sadly) Well, okay, I guess. If I gotta.  
  
RAZIEL: (wielding a long, sharp sword) Find me a vein Turel.  
  
MELCHIAH: (with big, worried eyes) Is this gonna hurt?  
  
TUREL: (grabbing Melchiah's arm forcefully) Of course not! (while searching Mel's skinless arm) Hey! Where's the vein?  
  
RAZIEL: Who cares! I wanna stab something!  
  
MIKOTO: Um, guys. That's not how you donate-  
  
MELCHIAH: YYEEEEOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!!  
  
RAZIEL: Aw, pipe down! You're arm will grow back!  
  
TUREL: Hey! Check it out! I got Melchiah's arm! (hits Mel with his detatched arm) Hey Melchiah, quit hitting yourself! (hits him again)  
  
MELCHIAH: Quit it! Give it back!  
  
TUREL: (holds the arm over Mel's head) Oh. You want it back? Here ya go. (Mel reaches for his arm. Turel pulls it away) Oops! Too late! Wanna try again? (Mel tries again, misses) Oh! Too slow!  
  
KAIN: Turel! That's no way to treat your brother! Now give me his arm!  
  
TUREL: (disappointed) Awww. (hands Mel's arm over to Kain)  
  
KAIN: (offers arm to Mel) Here you go Melchiah. (Mel approaches Kain to retrieve his arm, but at the last second Kain pulls it away)  
  
MELCHIAH: I though you were gonna give me my arm back!  
  
KAIN: No. I just wanted to have a turn! This is really fun!  
  
I couldn't stand to watch Melchiah get tormented any longer. So I decided to take action. But I have a short attention span, so I decided I would see what Dumah was up to.  
  
MIKOTO: Hey Dumass! Er, I mean Dumah! How's it going?  
  
DUMAH: (following the movement of one of many flies buzzing around his smelly head) None of your business.  
  
MIKOTO: But I have a gift for you. (pretending to be disappointed) But I guess you don't want it.  
  
DUMAH: (interested) What is it?  
  
MIKOTO: (excitedly) This! (wields her fly swatter used for smacking Zephon)  
  
DUMAH: Why would I want that useless thing? (fly lands on his nose, he focuses his eyes on the pest)  
  
MIKOTO: For this! (takes aim and swats at the fly on Dumah's nose really hard, misses but leaves a red, square welt on Dumah's face)  
  
DUMAH: How dare you!  
  
MIKOTO: EEP! (throws swatter at Dumah then runs away really fast) CLYDE!!! HELP ME!!!  
  
I ran away to find Clyde with Dumah chasing after me, right on my tail. That was always the scariest part of SR1, when Dumah would chase me (Raziel) through his whole fortress. Now I was experiencing it firsthand! I just hope he doesn't catch me! Clyde, please be awake when I find you!! 


	6. Boodshed is a Terrible Thing

Disclaimer: Okay Crystal Dynamics! You've asked for it! I've got the lieutenants and Kain hostage and I'm holding them at gunpoint with my Super Soaker XL 3000! Give in to my demands or you shall never see them again! Mwahahahahaha!  
  
Bloodshed is a Terrible Thing.  
  
Dumah is a very persistent vampire. He continued chasing me all the way to the dungeons, although I did gain some distance away from him. As I ran through the cellblocks trying to find Clyde, I ran into a familiar face.  
  
MIKOTO: Lara?  
  
LARA CROFT: Mikoto?  
  
MIKOTO: Hey! What're you doing here?  
  
LARA CROFT: You know. The same old reasons.  
  
MIKOTO: Still trying to steal Kain's Soul Reaver, then, eh?  
  
LARA CROFT: (sighs) Yes.  
  
MIKOTO: So what've you been up to lately?  
  
LARA CROFT: (gesturing to a skeleton on the floor) Well, Frederick and I have been having the most intriguing conversations.  
  
MIKOTO: Really? What about?  
  
LARA CROFT: Prince William's 21st birthday party.  
  
MIKOTO: (confused) Why? What about it?  
  
LARA CROFT: (angry) I wasn't invited.  
  
MIKOTO: (shocked) You weren't? Why not?  
  
LARA CROFT: I haven't a clue. It was very rude of them not to invite me, though. It's not like I'm going to steal anything from them. (suspiciously nudges a big sack of loot labeled 'Things I Stole From Queen Elizabeth' under the cot)  
  
DUMAH: (from a distance) Mikoto! If you keep running you'll only make your death more painful!  
  
MIKOTO: EEK! I gotta go! It was nice chatting with ya! Nice to meet you Frederick!  
  
LARA CROFT: Good luck!  
  
(I ran as fast as I could all the way to Clyde's cell. Dumah was not very far behind.)  
  
MIKOTO: Clyde! Quick! Wake up! Dumah is coming to get me! You have to save me!  
  
CLYDE: .  
  
MIKOTO: Clyde! I'm serious! Wake up!  
  
CLYDE: .  
  
MIKOTO: C'mon Clyde! (Clyde's head moves slightly in my direction.) Clyde? Are you awake?  
  
(A rat pokes his head out through Clyde's eye socket.)  
  
MIKOTO: Hey! You big jerk! Get out of Clyde's brain! He doesn't want you in there! How would you like it if he tried to climb into YOUR brain? (tries to imagine what that would look like)  
  
I kicked at the rat in Clyde's eye. It ran out of the way at the last moment, causing me to accidentally kick Clyde in the head. His head goes flying into the wall and smashed into pieces upon collision.  
  
MIKOTO: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Clyde! It's not fair! Why did this have to happen? Why!  
  
DUMAH: (enters the cell) What are you driveling about now, wench?  
  
MIKOTO: (vengeful) This is all YOUR fault! (points to Dumah)  
  
DUMAH: Me? What did I do?  
  
MIKOTO: You killed him! You killed Clyde!  
  
DUMAH: Who's Clyde? I didn't even touch anyone named Clyde!  
  
MIKOTO: Because of you, Clyde is gone! Now I shall make you gone! (whips out Super Soaker XL 3000)  
  
DUMAH: (spots Super Soaker) Ah, hell. (runs away)  
  
MIKOTO: (chasing after Dumah) Get back here murderer!  
  
It seems the tables had been turned. Although I have no idea why I didn't just break out my Super Soaker when Dumah first started chasing me. But anyway, I chased Dumah through the dungeon, soaking him a few times with my Super Soaker. We ended up at the far end of the dungeon, where I cornered the cowardice vampire.  
  
MIKOTO: (taking aim at Dumah's head) Now it's time for retribution.  
  
DUMAH: Wait! I have something for you! (reaches behind him, searching for something)  
  
MIKOTO: Well? Out with it!  
  
DUMAH: Here! (pulls a skeleton out from behind him, realizes what he has grabbed, and believes he is done for)  
  
MIKOTO: (gasps) Dumah! How sweet of you! (puts Super Soaker away and yoinks skeleton from Dumah) You found me a new friend! What's your name?  
  
SKELETON: .  
  
MIKOTO: You like to sleep too, huh?  
  
SKELETON: .  
  
MIKOTO: You remind me a lot of my last friend Clyde. He liked to sleep a lot too. How about I call you Clyde II until you wake up? Is that okay?  
  
CLYDE II: .  
  
MIKOTO: Great!  
  
Well, Dumah got off the hook easy, I guess. Me and Clyde II walked back to the Pillar Room where the rest of the vamps were waiting for us. Dumah insisted on following behind us for some reason. I guess he was afraid I was still angry at him. 


	7. How to Make a Vampire Bleed From Both Ea...

Disclaimer: Last Will and Testament (of some old geezer)  
  
To my two sons, Paul and Peter, I leave the sum of my wealth: Eleven dollars and eighty-two cents.  
  
To MikotoTribal (whom I've never met), I leave the world for her to dominate.  
  
Mikoto: Heh, heh, heh. It's official! The world is mine! Now I just have to convince the world leaders of this. Hey! If the world is mine, then so too is the LoK rights! (I wish, right?)  
  
How to Make a Vampire Bleed from Both Ears!  
  
Upon returning to the Pillar Room, I ordered Kain off his throne so that Clyde II could have a comfy seat for once. Kain put up a fight at first, until I revealed my Super Soaker. Then he seemed pretty agreeable to confiscate his throne. In actuality, my Super Soaker is smaller than my fist, but what do I care? It's effective.  
  
MIKOTO: Raziel, will you come here for a moment?  
  
RAZIEL: (nervously eyeing my water gun) Uh, okay.  
  
MIKOTO: The rest of you stay there!  
  
RAZIEL: So what do you want?  
  
MIKOTO: Raz, you're everyone's favorite, including mine, so I'm gonna give you these.  
  
RAZIEL: (stares at the two small, orange, spongy things I placed in his palm) What are these?  
  
MIKOTO: They're earplugs. Put them in. Trust me, you'll need them.  
  
RAZIEL: Well, okay. (carefully places them in his ears)  
  
MIKOTO: Can you hear me?  
  
RAZIEL: (deaf) .  
  
MIKOTO: Good! (returns to the other vamps with Raz)  
  
KAIN: What was THAT all about?  
  
MIKOTO: (aims gun at Kain) None of your business.  
  
KAIN: Eep!  
  
MIKOTO: Okay everybody! Listen up! (everyone snaps to attention except for Raziel) I stole -I mean 'legally obtained'- the new Britney Spears album and I want you to hear it!  
  
TUREL: Who is this 'Britney Spears'?  
  
MIKOTO: (putting in her own set of earplugs) Just listen and you'll find out.  
  
(I put the Britney cd into my portable cd player, which is connected into this monster surround sound system that suddenly appeared out of nowhere and somehow powers itself. I press play.)  
  
SOUND OF BRITNEY'S VOICE: BLABLABLA! I SOUND LIKE CRAP! MY VOICE IS TERRIBLE! BLABLABLA!  
  
RAHAB: (clutching his bleeding ears) It's terrible!  
  
TUREL: (clutching ears, banging head on wall) Make it stop!  
  
DUMAH: (with fingers in his ears) My head feels like it's about to explode! (a moment later, it does)  
  
SOUND OF BRITNEY'S VOICE: BLABLABLA! I CAN'T SING AT ALL! I'M FAMOUS 'CAUSE I'M A SLUT! BLABLABLA!  
  
MELCHIAH: (falls on the floor, twitching) What did I ever do to deserve this existence?  
  
ZEPHON: (also clutching bleeding ears) The horror! The horror! (runs off in another psychotic fit, but this time, runs into one of the monster- sized speakers and gets electrocuted, the music stops)  
  
KAIN: (realizes music has stopped, storms towards me and yanks earplugs from me) You sick, twisted woman!  
  
MIKOTO: What?  
  
KAIN: (very angry) You know very well that high-pitched noises are lethal to vampires!  
  
MIKOTO: (feigning innocence) It is?  
  
KAIN: (lifts me into the air by the collar of my shirt) I've had just about enough of your meddling, little girl!  
  
MIKOTO: Oh really? (pulls out Super Soaker and squirts Kain)  
  
KAIN: (drops me) AAGGHHH! My eye! My eye! (runs around screaming, trips on Melchiah and falls flat on floor)  
  
MIKOTO: (getting up quickly) Ah, crap! Kain's gonna be hella-pissed when his eye recovers! C'mon Raziel! Let's get outta here!  
  
RAZIEL: (deaf) Huh? What's going on?  
  
Well, I grabbed Raziel and Clyde II and the three of us fled the Sanctuary. Bambi was waiting for me outside the doors, but Clyde II showed him what for. We'll be eating venison for the next few weeks. We ran blindly for a few hours, until I realized where we were.  
  
MIKOTO: Aw, crap!  
  
RAZIEL: (no longer wearing earplugs) What's wrong?  
  
MIKOTO: I took us straight to the Lake of the Dead!  
  
RAZIEL: I coulda told ya that!  
  
MIKOTO: Gee. Thanks for telling me. But we have to go back.  
  
RAZIEL: We can't.  
  
MIKOTO: Why not?  
  
RAZIEL: Kain and the others followed us.  
  
MIKOTO: WHAT!!!  
  
Well, it seemed we were done for. We were trapped. Vortex of Doom on one side. A legion of ticked off vamps on the other. I guess drastic times call for drastic measures. 


	8. I Need to Vent a Little Frustration

Disclaimer: Too much work and too little fanfic make Mikoto go CRAZY! MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Off to the loony bin I go! Take me away boys! Check me into my usual room! MAHAHAHAHA! Oh, yeah, something about copyrights should go here?  
  
I Need to Vent a Little Frustration  
  
(Upon my reentry to Nosgoth)  
  
Raziel, Clyde II, and myself were trapped at the edge of the abyss with Kain, Turel, Rahab, Zephon, and Melchiah coming after us. Well, they were actually coming after just me. After a long, tiring day at work in the real world, the last thing I needed was this.  
  
MIKOTO: Damnit Raziel! Weren't you supposed to have grown wings by now or something?  
  
RAZIEL: I'm supposed to grow wings?  
  
MIKOTO: Yes! So hurry up and grow them!  
  
RAZIEL: Okay, I'll try!  
  
(Raziel starts to concentrate really hard, clenching his fists and grinding his teeth, looking like one of those anime cartoons where they 'power up' but look all constipated instead. If you've ever seen Dragonball Z, then you know what I'm talking about. Don't deny it. You KNOW they look like that. Kain and the vamps appear from around the corner.)  
  
KAIN: Get her!  
  
MIKOTO: Aw crap! I need a diversion!  
  
(This is where I vent my frustration. I reach into the sky and grab hold of a zipper, and pull it towards the ground, 'unzipping' a portal between the Nosgoth universe and our own. Reaching inside, I use all my strength to pull out an annoying, big, fat man, about six foot tall and probably close to 300 lbs.)  
  
ANNOYING MAN: (pretends to be startled upon seeing me) Oh, it's just YOU.  
  
MIKOTO: That wasn't even funny the first time you did that, Chris.  
  
CHRIS: Do you see me laughing? Where the hell is this place anyway.  
  
(Author's Note: Let me explain who Chris is. He's this guy I work with. He's a pompous ass who thinks he's hot stuff, but he's just an obnoxious jerk and no one likes him. Where we work, he's an hourly supervisor, like myself, but he seems to think he's my boss or something.)  
  
MIKOTO: This is Nosgoth. And they (points to Kain and vamps) are going to kill you.  
  
CHRIS: (disbelieving) Yeah, sure they are.  
  
MIKOTO: I would listen to me, if I were you.  
  
CHRIS: Like I would ever listen to you. Let alone want to look at you.  
  
MIKOTO: You're nothing pretty yourself, pal.  
  
CHRIS: I'm not your pal. And you're just jealous that you aren't at the same level of beauty I am. You wish you could wake up in the morning and see such beauty in the mirror.  
  
MIKOTO: (gagging) Whatever. But seriously, I brought you here as a diversion. See, while the vamps are tearing you to shreds, me, Raziel, and Clyde II will be making our getaway.  
  
CHRIS: What? You're THAT desperate for friends that you have to befriend a skeleton and a freak?  
  
RAZIEL: (still trying to grow wings in the same 'constipated' pose) Dear God, please make me a bat; so I can fly far; far, far away. Dear God, please make me a bat--  
  
(Kain approaches.)  
  
KAIN: (to vamps) Don't let her get away! I want her dead!  
  
CHRIS: (to me) So, there's someone out there who hates you just as much as I do.  
  
MIKOTO: THAT'S IT! Kain! This guy said you're a total wuss and that he could kick your arse. He also says that your long hair is rather girlish and makes you look gay.  
  
KAIN: (angrily) Oh, really?  
  
CHRIS: I don't know what she's talking about. She's a liar.  
  
MIKOTO: Kain, this guy's a bigger jerk than I am. Don't let him fool you. He'll pretend to be nice to you and then he'll turn around and talk trash to you.  
  
CHRIS: She's crazy. I would never say anything like that. I'm a nice guy.  
  
RAZIEL: (still trying to grow wings) No, you're not. You called Clyde II a freak and called me a skeleton! I'm not a skeleton! I'm a vampire!  
  
CHRIS: (raises eyebrow) Wow. I'm not even gonna touch that one. Whoever spawned that guy must've been a few chromosomes short of a DNA strand. Someone should hunt down the ones responsible for his creation and shoot them with a shotgun.  
  
KAIN: (growling in irritation) You know, Mikoto. I actually believe you, for once.  
  
CHRIS: Now wait a minute! How could you believe a conniving face like hers!  
  
MIKOTO: Kain, will you just hurry up and kill him?  
  
KAIN: Certainly.  
  
(Kain and the vamps pounce on Chris and begin to mutilate him. Flesh and blood go flying.)  
  
MIKOTO: (sadistically) Mahahahaha! Kill! Destroy! Rip his guts out!  
  
RAZIEL: Hey, Mikoto! I think I got it!  
  
(I look over to Raziel, and sure enough, he finally sprouted those famous wings of his. They are so awesome. I stare at them with wide eyes. I snap out of my daze and run towards him, scooping up Clyde II along the way. Kain and the vamps are too distracted drinking Chris's blood to notice my actions.)  
  
MIKOTO: (to Raziel) To the Bat-Cave, Robin!  
  
RAZIEL: What the hell's the 'Bat-Cave'? And who the hell is 'Robin'?  
  
MIKOTO: Nevermind. Just fly.  
  
RAZIEL: Okay.  
  
(I hop on Raziel's back while holding onto Clyde. Raziel flaps his wings and we slowly lift off into the air and fly over the abyss. Suddenly, Raziel's wings give out and we tumble downwards towards the Lake of the Dead.)  
  
MIKOTO: What are you doing!  
  
RAZIEL: I thought you said I could fly!  
  
MIKOTO: You ARE supposed to fly! Why else would you have wings? To make Kain jealous enough to cast you into the abyss?  
  
CLYDE II: o_O  
  
RAZIEL: Well, what do we do now?  
  
MIKOTO: How the hell should I know?  
  
We continued our downward spiral. (NIN rules! Get it? Haha? Nevermind. Oh, look! Nirvana, too! Boo-ya! Okay, I'll stop now.) The abyss drew ever nearer. It seemed our fate was sealed.  
  
(BTW: Chris's dialogue is taken from actual things he has said to me. Isn't he a jerk or what? See why I needed to vent? I put up with that all day! See, I may be mean to Kain, but I have my own tormentor as well. Now if I could only arrange Chris's execution at the claws of the vamps to actually happen.) 


	9. The Abyss Can't be THAT bad!

Disclaimer: Rule #1: LoK rights do not belong to me (sadly). Rule #2: If someone says LoK rights DO belong to me, then believe them, but don't say anything to Crystal Dynamics!  
  
The Abyss Can't be THAT Bad!  
  
Okay. Although my frustrations at Chris have been subsided, I face the impending doom of falling into the abyss with Raziel and Clyde II. The deadly waters draw nearer and nearer and SPLASH!! Water fills my vision and everything becomes a dizzy blur. I hear Raziel screaming in pain. Clyde II seems rather calm.  
  
RAZIEL: (writhing in the water) AAUUUGGGHHHH!!! It burns! It burns!  
  
MIKOTO: Um, Raziel? It's only ankle deep.  
  
RAZIEL: It still burns!  
  
I pull Raziel's kicking body up and hold him out of the water in my arms. He clings to me like a scared child afraid of the ground or something. I take a look around me at the so-called 'Lake of the Dead'. Some lake - only three inches deep and about eight feet wide.  
  
RAZIEL: Please don't drop me!  
  
MIKOTO: I'm not going to drop you! Little baby-  
  
I notice that the waters of the 'abyss' slowly calm to a stop, then suddenly the waters swirl towards the center again before coming back to a pause. The process keeps repeating itself a few times before I notice the sound of an all-too-familiar voice.  
  
GREATER GOD: Vampy go down da hole!!  
  
I wonder what the hell is going on, when I notice one of the Greater God's tentacles reaching out from the abyss, clutching a strange, metallic lever built into the cliff walls. The tentacle pulls on the lever, and the swirling of the abyss begins again.  
  
GREATER GOD: (annoyed) I said 'Vampy go down da hole!!!!' (he 'flushes' the abyss again in irritation)  
  
MIKOTO: Knock it off! We're too big to fit down this hole of yours! See? (I place my foot over the small gap that passes as the vortex between this world and the next.)  
  
GREATER GOD: (in a tiny voice) Your not very nice.  
  
MIKOTO: I know. (to Clyde II) C'mon, Clyde II! Where outa here! (to vamps) See ya guys later! (I begin to wade through the 'abyss' towards the opposite side, carrying Raziel and dragging Clyde II through the water)  
  
KAIN: Rahab! You said you are immune to water, right?  
  
RAHAB: Uh, yeah. Why?  
  
KAIN: Carry me across!  
  
RAHAB: What!? Are you crazy?  
  
KAIN: (angry) No! Take me across now!  
  
RAHAB: (nervously) Uh, okay.  
  
KAIN: The rest of you stay here in case she comes back.  
  
TUREL, ZEPHON and MELCHIAH: Okay.  
  
As I make it to the other side, I notice Rahab struggling to carry Kain across the water. Raziel is glad to be on solid ground again. He whimpers over his burns, though they are only flesh wounds and have already begun to heal. I guess Clyde II is glad I'm not dragging him through the water anymore. But I think he is mad at me for doing so, 'cause he isn't talking to me right now.  
  
KAIN: Hurry up! She's on the other side!  
  
RAHAB: I'm trying!  
  
GREATER GOD: (flush) Vampy go down da hole!!  
  
The abyss swirls suddenly, and Rahab gets all dizzy. He slips on some rock algae. He and Kain plummet towards the water. Rahab falls in, but Kain transforms into his bat form at the last minute, sparing himself.  
  
RAHAB: (getting pulled into the vortex) AAAUUGGGHHH!! (and gets sucked in)  
  
GREATER GOD: (happily) Vampy went down da hole!!!  
  
MIKOTO: Woah! How'd he fit in through there?  
  
Kain flies towards me and once he's cleared the abyss, he transforms back into his normal form.  
  
KAIN: Now I've got you!  
  
MIKOTO: One question first, though.  
  
KAIN: What's that?  
  
MIKOTO: Why didn't you just transform into a bat in the first place? Or use your teleportation spell, for that matter?  
  
KAIN: What? Is there something wrong with being lazy now?  
  
MIKOTO: I guess not, except you taught Raziel how to be lazy. It wasn't easy carrying him across though. But I guess the diet you guys have been on has caused you all to lose weight, 'cause he wasn't too heavy.  
  
KAIN: Ah, yes. In speaking of the 'diet' and the hell you've caused. I suppose I shall kill you now. And I shall drink your blood whether it kills me or not.  
  
MIKOTO: (points to cliff wall behind Kain) Hey look! It's Spiderman!  
  
KAIN: (turns) Spider-who?  
  
With Kain distracted, I push him into the abyss. A splash of water is followed by a howl of pain. I turn and run while I have a chance.  
  
MIKOTO: Raziel! Clyde II! Let's get outta here!  
  
RAZIEL: Okay!  
  
Clyde II: ..  
  
The three of us ran for quite some time, heading northwards through Nosgoth. When I finally thought we were safe, we ran straight into a very ticked off Dumah. 


	10. Lunacy is My Middle Name

Disclaimer: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And it is my opinion that I can abuse Kain and the vamps in any way I choose and there is nothing Crystal Dynamics can do about it! Mwahahahaha!  
  
Lunacy is My Middle Name  
  
Clyde II, Raziel, and I ran into a very ticked off Dumah.  
  
MIKOTO: (stuttering) Oh, hi Dumah! Long time no see, huh?  
  
DUMAH: (growling) I'm not in the mood for pleasantries, Mikoto!  
  
MIKOTO: (frightened) Oh, you're not? Well, um... How did get here so fast anyway?  
  
DUMAH: A convenient plot hole. One you shouldn't have left lying around.  
  
RAZIEL: (interrupts) Hey, Dumah! Check it out! I grew wings!  
  
DUMAH: (puzzled) Why are you proud of THOSE?  
  
I look to Raziel and notice he's sporting a lovely pair of butterfly wings.  
  
MIKOTO: Raziel!! Where'd those butterfly wings come from? What happened to your bat wings?  
  
RAZIEL: Well, the bat wings didn't work out so well, so I grew new ones. Aren't they pretty?  
  
DUMAH: They're hideous!  
  
RAZIEL: You're mean! (cries)  
  
MIKOTO: (angry) Why'd you have to go and upset Raziel like that for!  
  
DUMAH: Why are you feeling sorry for him? He's the one who put gunpowder up my nose!  
  
RAZIEL: Nuh uh! Turel did!  
  
DUMAH: You still helped!  
  
RAZIEL: So!  
  
MIKOTO: Everyone feels sorry for Raziel because everyone likes him. No one likes you, Dumah!  
  
DUMAH: (very angry) Oh yeah! Well, I'll show you! I learned a new ability that will make everyone like me! While my head was blown to pieces, I was in the spirit realm where I grew stronger! Not even Kain can surpass my new abilities now!  
  
MIKOTO: Oh, really? Prove it!  
  
DUMAH: Gladly. : )  
  
We watch as Dumah takes a few moments to stretch his arms and legs. He gets up on his toes and stretches his arms to the sky.  
  
DUMAH: This is called 'constrict'!  
  
Dumah begins to circle us on his tiptoes as we watch in confusion. He seems to not be doing anything at all, except mimicking the worst ballet dancer I could imagine. He completes his circle and as I suspected, nothing has happened.  
  
DUMAH: There! Now you should be stunned!  
  
MIKOTO: Nope, I'm fine. Raziel?  
  
RAZIEL: That was the coolest! I wanna be a ballet dancer too! (prances around) All I need is a pink tutu to go with my wings!  
  
DUMAH: (angry) It was NOT ballet! It was constrict!  
  
MIKOTO: It was idiocy! Not even Clyde II was effected by that! Right, Clyde II?  
  
CLYDE II: @_@  
  
MIKOTO: Clyde II!! No! Not Clyde II! You monster! You hurt another one of my friends! How could you!  
  
DUMAH: (satisfied) Constrict is a force to be reckoned with!  
  
MIKOTO: I'll show you a force to be reckoned with, you jerk!  
  
From one of my many plot holes, I pull out an entire fire engine with all my strength. I wield the fire hose, aiming it at Dumah. He stares at me terror-stricken.  
  
DUMAH: You wouldn't!  
  
MIKOTO: Yes! I would! This is for Clyde and Clyde II!!  
  
I pull back the lever on the nozzle and spray Dumah full force with the fire hose. He screams in utmost pain and agony. Several long minutes go by, and his wails have finally ceased. Caught up in sick pleasure, I continue to run the water at full blast until the entire fire engine is empty and only a trickle drips from my hose. I (literally) kick the fire engine back into the plot hole. Not a trace of Dumah is left.  
  
MIKOTO: That'll teach him.  
  
RAZIEL: It was awfully cruel of you, though.  
  
MIKOTO: Who cares? You'll be thanking me later when a certain someone decides to throw you into the abyss.  
  
RAZIEL: YOU'RE not throwing me into the abyss? Are you?  
  
MIKOTO: Would I have carried you across it if I wanted you in there in the first place?  
  
RAZIEL: Maybe you changed your mind...  
  
MIKOTO: I might if you don't get rid of those butterfly wings...  
  
RAZIEL: EEP!  
  
Raziel bites on his tongue in concentration and "POP!" his old wings come back.  
  
MIKOTO: Better. Hey, what's that?  
  
I go over to the last known spot where Dumah was standing moments before his watery demise. A skeleton is on the floor in Dumah's place. I look at it carefully. I realize who this skeleton is and I scoop him up into the air.  
  
MIKOTO: (happy and excited all at the same time) Look Raziel! It's Clyde! The original Clyde! His head is all better! It must've healed in the same plot hole that healed Dumah's head!  
  
RAZIEL: Hey, Clyde! Glad to see you're feeling better!  
  
CLYDE: ...  
  
MIKOTO: (to Clyde II) Sorry Clyde II, but Clyde is back so we'll have to send you back to the 'Be My Friend' clinic. No hard feelings, right?  
  
CLYDE II: ...  
  
MIKOTO: Good. Well, I'll be seeing ya around, right?  
  
CLYDE II: ...  
  
MIKOTO: Okay. Bye Clyde II!  
  
RAZIEL: Bye Clyde II!  
  
CLYDE II: ...  
  
We left Clyde II in the snowy fields of northern Nosgoth to go on our separate ways in hopes that we might see him again. However, at that time, we were unaware that we would never see him again...  
  
Mission Update!!!  
  
I just got my webpage to a decent level of completion, and since I feel pretty satisfied with it, I've posted it on my author page! Take a look! Also, I bought the new Tomb Raider! Seems pretty cool so far, if only I can get used to the controls. 


	11. Time Travel for Dummies!

Disclaimer: To infringe upon certain copyrighted material, or not to infringe upon certain copyrighted material. That is the question. Well, looks like its copyright infringement for me! Tee hee!  
  
Time Travel for Dummies  
  
After taking an afternoon off from the chaotic world of Nosgoth, I return to the vampire world, indulged in a yellow book I picked up from the 'Cross Dimensional Convenient Store'. I'm too caught up to notice the card game Raziel and Clyde had been playing during my absence.  
  
RAZIEL: Hey! We were playing 'go fish' here!  
  
I look from my book to realize I had trampled through their game. By the looks of the cards, I can tell Clyde was winning.  
  
MIKOTO: Well, you're not now! Besides, I've got important plans for us today!  
  
RAZIEL: (excited) Really? What?  
  
MIKOTO: (shows cover of her book to Raziel) Time Travel!  
  
RAZIEL: (nervous) I don't like the sounds of that. Kain told me this story once, about this scary guy called Moebius...  
  
MIKOTO: Did he tell you Moebius was a feeble old man?  
  
RAZIEL: No, but he did tell me that Moebius had a staff that weakened vampires.  
  
MIKOTO: Pish posh. Clyde shall take care of that, right?  
  
CLYDE: ...  
  
MIKOTO: See? All settled.  
  
RAZIEL: Why are we going to time travel now?  
  
MIKOTO: 'Cause I'm writing this fic and I said we're going to time travel! Besides, it's a surprise.  
  
RAZIEL: So, how does it work?  
  
MIKOTO: I think I've got it figured out. Just close your eyes, and trust me...  
  
I make sure Raziel closes his eyes before I close my own. I concentrate on post-apocalyptic Nosgoth, during the time of the degenerate vampires. I open my eyes, and find myself crammed inside what appears to be a tiny locker, with Raziel and Clyde squished in with me.  
  
MIKOTO: What the--?  
  
RAZIEL: Where are we?  
  
MIKOTO: Damn, I think I screwed up here. Hold on a sec.  
  
I thumb through the book, trying to read in the dark, but to no avail.  
  
MIKOTO: Raz, do you think you could move away from the slots in the locker, so I can see?  
  
I hear a shuffle and a moment later, light pours onto the pages of my book.  
  
MIKOTO: Thanks, that's much better.  
  
STRANGE VOICE: Uh? You're welcome?  
  
I look up and realize that the locker had been opened, but not by myself or Raziel. The face looking in at the three of us looks all too familiar.  
  
MIKOTO: Snake? Solid Snake?  
  
SNAKE: (raises his USP to my head) Who the hell are you people and how did you get in there? (looks to Clyde) And WHY would you lock yourselves in a locker to do THAT with a skeleton in there?  
  
It takes a moment for the implications of Snake's question to filter through my dumbfound head.  
  
MIKOTO: Hey! Wait a minute! We're not doing what you think we're doing?  
  
RAZIEL: (whispers to me) What does he think we're doing?  
  
MIKOTO: Nevermind.  
  
SNAKE: Hey! Quit whispering to yourselves! I don't want you trying anything funny.  
  
Suddenly, Snake looks annoyed. He turns away from us and places his hand to his ear. He must be talking to someone on his CODEC. I carefully turn towards Raziel, so as not to get Snake's attention.  
  
MIKOTO: (whispering) Raziel, I think I know what happened, but you have to close your eyes again for this to work.  
  
RAZIEL: (also whispering) No way! Look what happened when you did it the first time! Who knows where you'll take us next!  
  
MIKOTO: Trust me. If you do, I'll let you wear the butterfly wings again.  
  
RAZIEL: (excited) Okay!  
  
We close our eyes and fade out of the Metal Gear universe. Snake turns just in time for us to vanish and looks puzzled for a moment, but shrugs it off and takes the USP clips from the bottom of the locker and continues on his way.  
  
I reopen my eyes again, and to my relief, the time traveling has worked this time. I look before me at the ruined wastes of Nosgoth.  
  
RAZIEL: (sporting butterfly wings) Where the hell have you taken us, woman? My beautiful wings don't match with this dreary place! I KNEW I shouldn't have trusted you!  
  
MIKOTO: But it worked this time, Raziel!  
  
RAZIEL: Could've fooled me...  
  
MIKOTO: This is Nosgoth's future. Now all we have to do is locate...  
  
FAMILIAR VOICE: (from behind us) Don't move if you know what's good for you!  
  
I slowly turn around, despite what I've been told. I can't help but attempt to confirm the owner of the familiar voice. When the being comes into view, my stomach flip flops between excitement and fear. Excited, because I'm looking at who I came in search of. Afraid, because he is quite hostile at the moment.  
  
MIKOTO: Raziel, I'd like you to meet someone...  
  
RAZIEL: (turns) Who? (comes face to face with newcomer) Hey! Are you one of Clyde's relatives?  
  
FAMILIAR VOICE: ???  
  
MIKOTO: No, Raziel. He's kind of a relative of yours. In, fact he IS you. I'd like you to meet S.R. Raziel. S.R. Raziel, I think you recognize your past self...  
  
The two Raziel's scrutinize each other for a moment. Suddenly, they faint simultaneously. I look to Clyde and sigh. This is going to be a looooong journey. 


	12. Raziel Squared

Disclaimer: I would've had a disclaimer for this chapter, but my dog ate it.  
  
(Crystal Dynamics person) How could your dog eat typing on your computer screen?  
  
I'll get back to you when I find out...  
  
Raziel Squared  
  
It wasn't too long before both the Raziel's woke up from their fainting spell. I passed the time by reading my time travel book. Clyde resorted to a game of solitaire.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (mumbling in his sleep) ...no, I don't wanna solve another block puzzle... (startles awake)  
  
RAZIEL: (yawns) What the hell is a block puzzle?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Believe me, you don't want to know. How did you get here anyway?  
  
RAZIEL: (points to me) Mikoto did it! Not me!  
  
MIKOTO: (closes book) Look, we don't have much time, so I suggest we hurry up and get out of here.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Just what are you in a hurry for?  
  
MIKOTO: I told you! It's a surprise! Or rather, I told the OTHER you, which is you in the past, so you should know that I told you already... Woah, my head is spinning...  
  
CLYDE: ...  
  
RAZIEL: (stands up and stretches wings) Too bad the sky is all cloudy. I like to stretch my wings first thing in the morning.  
  
MIKOTO: You've only had them for one day! How can you enjoy flying when you've only tried it once...and failed at it??  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (studying Raziel's wings) Why are you going around with those ridiculous things? What happened to the super cool bat wings I remember growing?  
  
RAZIEL: I like these better.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: No you don't.  
  
RAZIEL: Yes, I DO!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: I'm you from the future and if I say you don't like them, then you don't like them!  
  
RAZIEL: Well, I'm you now, and um... I... It's not fair! No one likes my butterfly wings!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Now if I had been wearing those things when I approached Kain in the Sanctuary, then I wouldn't blame him for tearing my wings to shreds.  
  
RAZIEL: Hey! That's right! At least I STILL have wings you, you, ugly head!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: That's it!  
  
MIKOTO: (stepping between the two Raziel's) Boys! Boys! Calm yourselves! We have a mission to accomplish!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: What do you mean by 'we'?  
  
MIKOTO: (to S.R. Raziel) You're coming with us.  
  
RAZIEL: Where are we going now?  
  
MIKOTO: To the past.  
  
RAZIEL: But we just left there!  
  
MIKOTO: No, further back! To the Sarafan time!  
  
RAZIEL: But that scary Moebius guy is there!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Don't tell me you're afraid of a feeble old man!  
  
RAZIEL: So what if I am?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (rolls his eyes) No wonder I was thrown into the abyss...  
  
CLYDE: ...  
  
MIKOTO: C'mon! Let's get going!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: No! I'm supposed to go kill Turel now!  
  
MIKOTO: Turel can wait!  
  
RAZIEL: (horrified) You're gonna kill Turel? Why would you do that? We're best friends!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Why not? I killed the rest of our brothers...  
  
RAZIEL: (grief stricken) It's not fair! I turn into a big mean monster!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (snorts) You wouldn't be saying that if YOU saw what our brothers turned into...  
  
MIKOTO: Look, we're going into the past now, long before your brother die. Okay, Raziel?  
  
RAZIEL: (sniff) Okay.  
  
We all close our eyes and I concentrate on the Sarafan dominated era of Nosgoth. When I open my eyes, the four of us are outside the Sarafan stronghold.  
  
RAZIEL: Woah, this place is neat! Maybe I'll build a new fortress for my clan lands here!  
  
MIKOTO: Theoretically speaking, you already have a fortress here.  
  
RAZIEL: What do you mean?  
  
S.R.RAZIEL: Does this have something to do with me once being a Sarafan?  
  
RAZIEL: (shocked) How could a vampire willingly become a Sarafan! No wonder you killed our brothers so easily! I'm telling Kain on you!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: You're an idiot...  
  
MIKOTO: No, Raziel. S.R. Raziel is right. Before you were a vampire, you were human.  
  
RAZIEL: Well, duh.  
  
MIKOTO: But you were also a Sarafan. And this is where you lived as a Sarafan.  
  
RAZIEL: So, first I was a human who killed vampires. Then I became me, who kills humans. And then I become you (points to S.R. Raziel) who kills vampires and humans?  
  
MIKOTO: Right.  
  
RAZIEL: That's messed up...  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Well, you better learn to deal with it sooner or later, 'cause it's gonna happen, no matter what you do.  
  
The four of us walked towards the stronghold. It wasn't easy getting through with those annoying sorceress's throwing fireballs at us.  
  
RAZIEL: My poor butterfly wings are burnt...  
  
Anyway, we finally made it into the stronghold. We traveled through those big, long annoying corridors until we came upon a pair of bloody Sarafan corpses in the stronghold garden. 


	13. Two's Company, Three's a Party!

Disclaimer: Hey Crystal Dynamics! I've finally written a proper disclaimer! It's right here on this piece of paper! But unless you pay me one million dollars, I'm gonna put it through this paper shredder! Mwahahahahaha!  
  
Two's Company, Three's a Party!  
  
Raziel, S.R. Raziel, Clyde and I entered the garden of the Sarafan keep, where two heavily armored, and very dead Sarafan bodies lie on the ground.  
  
MIKOTO: Wow... How gruesome!  
  
RAZIEL: Poor guys... I wonder what they ever did to get killed so cruelly.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: They had it coming!  
  
RAZIEL: What do you mean by that?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: They killed Janos Audron, so I killed them!  
  
RAZIEL: (angry) You psycho! You can't make a wrong with two rights!  
  
CLYDE: ...  
  
MIKOTO: Uh, don't you mean-  
  
RAZIEL: (to me) Quiet! I'm not done yet! I bet he doesn't even know most of the people he goes around hackin' and slashin'!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Actually, I DO know them. They're Zephon and Melchiah.  
  
RAZIEL: (stunned) What?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: The SAME Zephon and Melchiah that you call your brothers.  
  
RAZIEL: (angry) You lied to me Mikoto! You said we would go back to before this psycho killed them all!  
  
MIKOTO: Uh, well... They were gonna die sooner or later, right? Besides, these guys haven't yet turned into vampires. So, relax!  
  
RAZIEL: (muttering) ...the bodies of two of my brethren on the floor and she tells me to relax...  
  
We traveled further into the Keep, until we came to this large cathedral type room. Two more bodies littered the ground.  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, the horror! Which brothers are they, murderer!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Rahab and Dumah.  
  
RAZIEL: Poor Rahab! He didn't deserve it!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: What? You don't feel any loss over Dumah's death?  
  
RAZIEL: Dumah? Oh, yeah! Dumah! Well...  
  
DUMAH'S SOUL: Screw you!! (floats away)  
  
We passed through the gates which led to William the Just's sarcophagus. Another bloodied corpse lay on the ground.  
  
RAZIEL: (voice trembling) So, is this one Turel?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (with pride) Yep. Sure is.  
  
RAZIEL: Nooooo!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Yeah. He was the most satisfying to kill, 'cause degenerate vampire Turel has still escaped my wrath!  
  
RAZIEL: Why do you want to hurt my friend Turel?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Are you aware that he helps throw you into the abyss?  
  
RAZIEL: (shocked) He wouldn't!!  
  
CLYDE: ...  
  
RAZIEL: Keep outta this, Clyde! (to S.R. Raziel) Why would he do that?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: You stole his marble collection.  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, yeah... Cool! So when he throws me in I'll be all like "Turel! You can't do this to me! You've lost your marbles!" (drum roll)  
  
We went through the door to the inner chamber where the Sarafan Raziel lies lifeless on the floor.  
  
RAZIEL: Who's that? I don't remember having another brother!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: That's you dumbass.  
  
RAZIEL: You killed me too? Suicidal freak!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Don't go jumping to conclusions just yet!  
  
S.R. Raziel walks over to the body of Sarafan Raziel and gives him a hard jab in the chest with his foot.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Get your arse up! Nap time is over!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: (very much alive and well) Ow! That hurt! Hey! What're you doing back here?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Waking you up, obviously.  
  
MIKOTO: Yeah, get up! We gotta go!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: But Moebius hasn't found my body yet! I didn't douse myself in pig's blood and pretend to be dead for three days for nothing!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Didn't it occur to you that if Moebius didn't find you on the first day that maybe he wasn't looking for you to begin with? He obviously doesn't care if you're dead or not.  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: That bastard ripped me off! I gave him money to get me tickets to the Bulls game the other night and he takes off on me! Argh!  
  
MIKOTO: Well, look. You can get your revenge on Moebius later. Right now, you gotta come with us.  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Why?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Yeah, really! Why ARE we going with you anyway?  
  
MIKOTO: (sighs) Well, if you must know. We're gonna go kick Kain's arse.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Sweet! I'm in!  
  
RAZIEL: Why are we gonna do that?  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Who's Kain?  
  
MIKOTO: Uh, why don't you explain it to them, Clyde?  
  
Clyde: ...  
  
Clyde began to explain to Raziel and Sarafan Raz why they should want to help me give Kain the arse whipping of a lifetime. (Which must be a pretty severe arse whipping considering the length of Kain's life.) 


	14. It Isn't Easy Being a Vampire

Disclaimer: Think of a disclaimer. Good! Now pretend that's what I wrote here!  
  
It Isn't Easy Being a Vampire  
  
Clyde should have been a playwright, 'cause he sure can tell a story with finesse! He finished telling Raziel and Sarafan Raz why they should be more than willing to lay the smack down on Kain's candy ass.  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: So, this Kain has got some weird obsession with turning corpses into vampires then? And he does this to me and the rest of the Sarafan?  
  
MIKOTO: Yep.  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: That's just not cricket!  
  
RAZIEL: And then after I do all Kain's homework for 1000 years, he gets jealous over my beautiful wings and rips them out? Then tells Dumah and Turel to throw me into the abyss?  
  
MIKOTO: Yeah, that's all true. Except for the part about Dumah. Kain never told him to help Turel. Dumah just wanted the satisfaction of dumping your arse into the lake.  
  
RAZIEL: Dumah, that bugger! I'll get him for that!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Eventually... When you're me...  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Hey, what's with the wings anyway?  
  
RAZIEL: You like 'em?  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: No.  
  
RAZIEL: Whatever. Hater. You're just jealous!  
  
MIKOTO: Alright. Are we ready to go?  
  
ALL RAZIELS: Yeah.  
  
We all close our eyes, and I concentrate on present day Nosgoth. (As if you could call ANY period of Nosgoth 'present day' with all those confusing timelines.) After we transported through time, we all opened our eyes again and looked around. We found ourselves in a lush, green forest.  
  
RAZIEL: I don't remember this forest being here! When did Kain have enough time to plant all these trees?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: He didn't plant them you dote! This forest isn't even IN Nosgoth!  
  
RAZIEL: Where are we then?  
  
MIKOTO: I'm not sure...  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Has she screwed this up before?  
  
CLYDE: ...  
  
MIKOTO: Hey! I don't see YOU teleporting us through time!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Well, I bet I could do it better!  
  
MIKOTO: Cannot!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Can so!  
  
MIKOTO: Cannot!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (interrupting) Well, actually he...er, I can. I've done plenty of time streaming already.  
  
MIKOTO: Yeah, but you never controlled where you went! Moebius took care of it all for you!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Shut up and let me have my feeling of accomplishment!  
  
RAZIEL: So killing your brethren TWICE isn't enough accomplishment??  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Oh yeah.  
  
MIKOTO: C'mon! We gotta figure out where we are!  
  
We begin to walk through the forest, when a slight rustling is heard from the trees. It was gone as soon as we heard it. We continued walking, when we heard the noise again.  
  
RAZIEL: (frightened) What was that?  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: A forest vampire! And it's gonna bite off your toes!  
  
RAZIEL: (leaps into my arms) Mommy! I'm scared!  
  
MIKOTO: Get off me! (drops Raziel on his bum)  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Dumbass! You ARE a vampire! And you don't have toes!  
  
RAZIEL: Shut up!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Haha!  
  
MIKOTO: Let's go!  
  
I take a step forward to continue, when suddenly, a person leaps out of the trees and lands in front of me. He is dressed in green camo and is wielding a rather large sword.  
  
MAN CLAD IN GREEN: Your wallet or your life!  
  
MIKOTO: You look familiar...  
  
MAN CLAD IN GREEN: No I don't! Now gimme all your Rupees!  
  
MIKOTO: I knew it! You're Link! The Hero of Time!  
  
LINK: You're mistaken, lady! I ain't no hero! I'm a thief! Like Robin Hood! I steal from the rich (you) and give to the poor (me)!  
  
RAZIEL: You're not a very nice person!  
  
LINK: (notices Raziel's butterfly wings) Woah! How'd a fairy get so damn big! (pulls out a very small glass jar) Get in here you little bugger!  
  
RAZIEL: (exasperated) But, I won't fit!  
  
LINK: Do it! Or I'll slash you with my master sword!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (stepping in) Hey, that's a rather nice master sword you've got there...  
  
LINK: (boasting) Yeah? You think so? This sword is the strongest sword in all Hyrule!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: You mean it WAS the strongest sword in all of... whatever you called this place.  
  
LINK: What do you mean, 'was'?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: What do I mean? Well, let's see. THIS is what I mean!  
  
S.R. Raziel summons the wraith blade and swipes it at Link's master sword. The master sword is cut cleanly in two by the wraith blade.  
  
LINK: (staring at his sword in horror) You killed Kenny! You bastard!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Who's Kenny?  
  
LINK: My sword!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: You named your sword?  
  
LINK: So what?  
  
MIKOTO: Look, we don't have any Rupees, or anything else you may want for that matter. So just let us on our way.  
  
LINK: But you DO have something I want! That giant fairy! (points to Raziel)  
  
RAZIEL: But I'm not a fairy!  
  
LINK: You coulda fooled me! You have the WINGS of a fairy!  
  
RAZIEL: That's it! I'm sick of everyone dissin' my wings! I'll show you! You half pint elf punk!  
  
Raziel turns his wings back into bat wings and spread them out as far as they will go. He stretches his claws in the air. He hisses, baring his fangs as he steps towards Link.  
  
LINK: You're a freak of nature! I'm outta here!  
  
Link takes off into the distance and Raziel relaxes.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Well, it's about time you stopped acting like a little coward and more like a vampire!  
  
RAZIEL: What are you talking about? I was trying to hypnotize him!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Who cares? He's gone anyway! C'mon, Mikoto! Get us out of here!  
  
MIKOTO: Certainly.  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: And don't screw it up this time!  
  
I rolled my eyes before attempting to travel to Nosgoth of the vampire empire. (Hey! It rhymes!) This time, I am successful and we find ourselves outside the sanctuary of the clans. It's Kain kicking time! 


	15. Cheaters Always Win!

Disclaimer: "A Bloody Paradox" is sponsored by 'Blood Bars', the energy bar specially designed to quicken vampire evolution. And by Crystal Dynamics, creator of the Legacy of Kain series.  
  
Cheaters Always Win!  
  
The Raziels waited patiently outside the Sanctuary of the clans while I readied my plan. Digging through one of my plot holes, I pulled out random items and tossed them on the ground behind me.  
  
MIKOTO: Alright! Pick yer poison boys!  
  
The Raziels begin to paw through the pile of junk lying on the ground, carefully choosing a weapon of mass destruction. (I love the way that sounds. It has a sort of ring to it: 'weapon of mass destruction'.)  
  
RAZIEL: Can I use this? (waves a long bone in the air)  
  
MIKOTO: No you can't use THAT! That's Clyde's leg! Give it back to him!  
  
RAZIEL: Aw... (gives Clyde back his leg and picks up a golf club) Hey! This is neat! What's it do?  
  
MIKOTO: You hit balls with it.  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Sounds painful.  
  
MIKOTO: Golf balls, dummy.  
  
RAZIEL: I like it! 'Specially this knobby thing on the end. Looks good for denting foreheads! (imagines Kain with a dented forehead) Tee hee!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: (grabs a wooden cane with a plastic diamond on the top) This looks cool.  
  
MIKOTO: Yeah, that's my pimpin' cane from last year's Halloween party.  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Hmmm... I'm gonna smack Kain with a cane... Seems appropriate enough to me.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (disinterested in my 'weapons of mass destruction') Why do I have to choose one of these useless things? I have the wraith blade right here! Good and ready!  
  
MIKOTO: Because that is not the plan!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: But I can end Kain's miserable existence with no effort!  
  
MIKOTO: I said we're doing it MY way!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Look. I can shift to spectral, sneak up behind Kain, and stab him with the reaver! (does an imitation of stabbing Kain in the back) It's as simple as that! I'll even take pictures so you can see it!  
  
MIKOTO: We are not here to kill Kain, just maim him! Got it?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (mutters) Imbecile.  
  
MIKOTO: I heard that! But I'll ignore it for now! Here. Take this instead. (hands S.R. Raziel a pool stick)  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (skeptically accepts the pool stick) You want me to attack Kain with THIS? This will break before I even touch Kain!  
  
MIKOTO: Deal with it. You didn't want to pick a weapon, so I picked one for you. Now you have to suffer with it.  
  
I pick out my own 'weapon of mass destruction'. It's a foot long section of PVC pipe (sewage pipe) that my brother had turned into a makeshift bowl. (He actually used it too!) We march into the Sanctuary, clubbing any vampires along our way. We come to that room with the bridge and the two pools of water on either side.  
  
MIKOTO: Check this out!  
  
I run up behind a Dumahim and club him in the knee. He falls to the ground, clutching his leg, screaming "WHY? WHY?" I kick him into the water below and he burns to death. S.R. Raziel pulls at his cowl.  
  
MIKOTO: (pushes S.R. Raziel's cowl back up his face) Don't do that!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (confused) Why not? I'm hungry!  
  
MIKOTO: Because! If you eat his soul, his body will dissolve, and he will respawn and we'll just have to kill him again when we come back!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: So. Then I'll just kill him and eat his soul again!  
  
MIKOTO: But don't you see? It only creates an endless cycle of needless destruction and death!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Aren't we partaking in needless destruction and death already?  
  
MIKOTO: No one asked for your opinion.  
  
S.R RAZIEL: Look. I need to devour souls in order to sustain my physical manifestation. And I have not done this since you kidnapped me. So, IF you don't mind...  
  
MIKOTO: But you don't HAVE to eat souls!  
  
RAZIEL: (to S.R. Raziel) You EAT souls too?  
  
S.R RAZIEL: Yes. So you've just caught on now, haven't you?  
  
RAZIEL: Did you eat our brothers' souls too?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Sure did!  
  
RAZIEL: (grabbing onto S.R. Raziel's ear and pressing his face into it) HELLO? TUREL? ARE YOU IN THERE?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (shoves Raziel off of him and uses a claw to rub his ear) IDIOT! I didn't get Turel's soul yet! Moron!  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, yeah.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (to me) So... Why is it that I no longer need to eat souls?  
  
MIKOTO: This! (pulls out magic wand) It's a spell I learned from Harry Potter!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (wary) I don't know about this...  
  
MIKOTO: Trust me! (waving magic wand) Pause, L1 and R1, left, circle, up, up, down!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: OW! What the hell? That hurt!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: What kind of spell was that?  
  
S.R RAZIEL: Don't do it again!  
  
RAZIEL: (laughing) Do it again! Do it again!  
  
MIKOTO: Damn. Must've used the wrong cheat-er, I mean spell. Hold still!  
  
S.R RAZIEL: No way!  
  
MIKOTO: Pause, L1 and R1, left, right, left, right, square, circle, square, circle. There, how does that feel?  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (amazed) Surprisingly well. What did you do?  
  
MIKOTO: Unlimited health.  
  
RAZIEL: Oh cool! Do me now! Do me now!  
  
MIKOTO: Don't say that! (whispers) The fan girls might take that as an open invitation!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Why DO all the girls like him anyway? Why don't they like me?  
  
MIKOTO: Well, probably because you ruthlessly tore out Janos Audron's heart. That, and even with PS1's poorer quality graphics, Lt. Raziel looks so much better than you.  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: (sigh)  
  
We continued onward to the doorway to the pillar room. With a mighty kick, I busted down the door. Inside awaited Kain and the lieutenants. 


	16. Golf Clubs, and Pimp Canes, and Pool Sti...

Disclaimer: Access Denied.  
  
Golf Clubs, and Pimp Canes, and Pool Sticks, Oh My!  
  
We stormed into the pillar chamber. Kain was seated at his throne inside. Turel, Dumah, Rahab, Zephon and Melchiah stood around him. All their heads snapped to our direction as we bust through the chamber doors.  
  
MIKOTO: There he is! Quick! Get him!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Sweet! I get to kill more of you filthy vampires!  
  
MIKOTO: We're not here to kill! Just beat the hell out of Kain!  
  
RAZIEL: (runs up to Kain) Take that! (hits Kain in the head with his golf club of doom, leaving a dent in Kain's forehead)  
  
KAIN: (clutching indent on his head) Ungrateful brat! Get over here so I can tear your wings out!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: I don't think so! (beats Kain in the back with the pimp stick) Who's yo daddy now, be-otch!  
  
KAIN: WTF!! Who the hell are you?  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: You turn me into that dumbass over there! (points to Raziel) Now all the ladies think he's cuter, even though he's a moron! Now I'm gonna beat yer ass into the ground for that! (clips Kain upside the head with the pimp stick)  
  
MIKOTO: S.R. Raziel, what are you doing?  
  
S.R. Raziel is chasing Turel around the room with his pool stick. The elusive lieutenant ducks behind Kain's throne as S.R. Raziel swings it at his head.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: You guys take care of Kain. I'm gonna destroy Turel!  
  
RAZIEL: NOO! Leave Turel alone! (runs after S.R. Raziel with the golf club)  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Hey! Where's everyone going? (sees Raziel chasing S.R. Raziel) Hey, I'M the one who's supposed to fight him! Not you! (chases Raziel with the pimp stick)  
  
KAIN: (recovering from his wounds) Well, looks like your plan backfired, Mikoto. What are you gonna do now?  
  
MIKOTO: (nervous) Um. Um. Well... (holds up PVC pipe-turned-bowl) Wanna take a hit?  
  
KAIN: (sees bowl) Sure. Don't mind if I do. (reaches for bowl)  
  
MIKOTO: Here ya go! (bashes Kain in the head with the PVC pipe)  
  
KAIN: OW!!  
  
Kain stumbles backwards in pain. I run away, but I run into Dumah.  
  
MIKOTO: Dumah! How- But I- Where did you-?  
  
DUMAH: I respawned.  
  
MIKOTO: Damn it! How many times will it take to kill you?  
  
DUMAH: I'm not sure... But, we have unsettled matters to discuss.  
  
MIKOTO: Um, yeah. About that fire engine, watering you down to your death thing...  
  
DUMAH: You don't have to apologize.  
  
MIKOTO: Say what?  
  
DUMAH: It was all my fault. I forgive you.  
  
MIKOTO: Huh?  
  
DUMAH: We should go out and have a cup of tea sometime.  
  
MIKOTO: Um. I don't drink tea. And I don't think you do either for that matter...  
  
DUMAH: What! You don't drink tea? What, are you too good for tea now? Huh? Is my offer not good enough for you?  
  
MIKOTO: No. It's not that. Really.  
  
DUMAH: That's it!  
  
Dumah grabs a spear off the wall and swings it at me. I block it with the PVC pipe. He swings again and misses, and I run towards the trio of Raziels. S.R. Raziel has given up his pursuit of Turel and has instead begun to chase Sarafan Raz, who is still chasing Raziel, who is chasing S.R. Raziel. So basically, they are running in a big circle.  
  
RAZIEL: (singing) Follow the Leader! Follow the Leader!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Get back here! I'm gonna beat you in the face so much that the girls will realize that I'M the cute one!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Pathetic excuse for a human! Why won't you die when I tell you to?  
  
MIKOTO: Knock it off you three! We've got more important things to do right now!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (stops in his pursuit) Like what?  
  
MIKOTO: Like retreating! (points to Dumah closing in)  
  
RAZIEL: (runs into S.R. Raziel) Hey! I thought we were playing Follow the Leader!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: (runs into Raziel) Oof! Why'd we stop?  
  
MIKOTO: Retreat!  
  
We all stormed out of the Sanctuary of the Clans with Dumah on our trail. I don't know why I didn't just have the three Raziel's beat the tar out of him, but I guess I was too much of a coward to think straight. Man, I never thought anyone could get so worked up over tea. The guy doesn't even drink tea! But today's failure was acceptable, for I had even bigger plans for tonight. 


	17. The Value of a DriveBy Shooting

Disclaimer: I'm not as think as you sane I am. Hee hee.  
  
The Value of a Drive-By Shooting  
  
That night, everything was set into place for our next excursion upon Kain's poor soul. With Clyde at the wheel, we pulled up to the front door of the sanctuary riding in a black hearse, complete with extremely dark tinted windows. We pulled to a stop, the passenger side of the hearse facing the front door.  
  
MIKOTO: Okay, S.R. Raziel. Go over there and ring the doorbell.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Why do I have to do it? Why not tweedle dumb over here? (points to Raziel)  
  
RAZIEL: Who's tweedle dumb?  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: No, I think he's tweedle dumbER. Tweedle dumb is much too smart for him.  
  
MIKOTO: S.R. Raziel, you are the fastest of us all. You can shift over there and back and be back in position when Kain opens the door.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (rolls his eyes - can he actually do that?) Alright. Fine. I'll go.  
  
S.R. Raziel shifts to the spectral plane. A moment later, he appears at the sanctuary doors and rings the bell. He disappears again and after another moment he reappears inside the hearse.  
  
MIKOTO: Great! Any minute now, Kain is gonna get the egging of a life time! Muwahahahahahahaha!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: (to Raziel) This girly is loco. I'm actually glad for once that you're better looking than me. That way she won't obsess over me.  
  
MIKOTO: Okay everyone! Lock and Load!  
  
We all pick up our fully automatic machine guns, specifically equipped to shoot over 300 rounds of extra large grade A eggs at incredibly (and painfully) high speeds. We point our weapons out the hearse's windows and aim at the Sanctuary doors. The doors creak open. A figure appears in the doorway and we start blasting.  
  
FIGURE: What the- What's going on?  
  
MIKOTO: Take that you sucka!  
  
FIGURE: AUGH! It hurts! It hurts! (falls to the ground in pain)  
  
MIKOTO: Cease fire!  
  
RAZIEL: Aww... How come?  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: No way! This is too much fun! We shoulda been doin' this to the vamps a long time ago!  
  
MIKOTO: I said knock it off! (pistol whips Sarafan Raz)  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: (barely conscious afer the pistol whipping) Ooh, look at the pretty birds! (passes out)  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Why did you order a cease-fire?  
  
MIKOTO: Because. That's not Kain.  
  
RAZIEL: Then who is it?  
  
MIKOTO: I don't know... I'm afraid to look.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Send Clyde to investigate.  
  
MIKOTO: No way! Clyde is our get-away man! He's driving the hearse! We can't complete a drive-by shooting without the get-away!  
  
Suddenly, the doors to the Sanctuary open again and Turel emerges from within.  
  
TUREL: Uncle Vorador? What are you still doing here? I thought you were going home. Hey! What's all over you? And what the hell is that thing over there? (points towards the hearse)  
  
VORADOR: (grumbles incoherently)  
  
MIKOTO: We've been spotted by the enemy! Open fire!  
  
RAZIEL: But! Turel's not the enemy!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Take that!  
  
RAZIEL: (sobbing) Sorry Turel! They're making me do it! (Raziel's claws have been duck-taped to his machine gun with the trigger pulled)  
  
MIKOTO: Crybaby. (I toss the duck tape over my shoulder, hitting Sarafan Raz in the head)  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: (mumbling in sleep) Oh, Moebius... You've got the prettiest eyes...  
  
MIKOTO: Whoah. That's just freaky. (pistol whips Sarafan Raz again) Get the hell up! You're freakin' me out!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: (wakes up) Huh? Wha-? What happened? (looks into mirror, sees two lumps and black eye on his face) Gah! What the hell did you do to me? How am I supposed to pick up chicks lookin' like this?  
  
MIKOTO: Man, I think you have issues.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: (with self satisfaction) Okay. Turel is disposed of. Now what?  
  
RAZIEL: (sobbing) Poor Turel. He didn't deserve it...  
  
MIKOTO: S.R. Raziel, go over there and clear the bodies, then ring the doorbell again.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: WHAT!?  
  
MIKOTO: You heard me.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: This better not turn into a vicious plot cycle used to torment me.  
  
MIKOTO: (snickers) Well, there ARE four more lieutenants in there, plus Kain. If you have to keep ringing the doorbell, then so be it until we get to Kain.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Damn you!  
  
S.R. Raziel does his shift thingy again and reappears in front of the Sanctuary doors. Not wanting to get egg guck on him, S.R. Raziel uses the end of the wraith blade to pick Vorador up by the collar of his armor. (I didn't realize how substantial the wraith blade really was!) He sets Vorador down, off to the side and repeats the process for Turel, adding an extra-added boot to the head before discarding the unconscious lieutenant. S.R. Raziel rings the doorbell then shifts back into the hearse.  
  
MIKOTO: Damn. Took you long enough! I had to type all that crap ya know!  
  
S.R RAZIEL: Well, excu-u-u-u-use me if I didn't want to ruin my pedicure!  
  
MIKOTO: Okay then... Well, let's just hope that Kain comes out soon...  
  
Meanwhile, inside the Pillar chamber...  
  
KAIN: Dumah, it's your turn to answer the door.  
  
DUMAH: I can't! If I leave now, the croissants will burn and teatime will be ruined!  
  
KAIN: (angrily) Answer the door!  
  
DUMAH: All right! But if the croissants burn, you'll be sorry! 'Cause I'm NOT making another batch!  
  
We waited patiently in the hearse while the Sanctuary doors opened... 


	18. Lethal Utensils and Police Impersonation...

Disclaimer: Next Exit 3 Miles: Food Gas Motel LoK Disclaimer Notice  
  
Lethal Utensils and Police Impersonations!  
  
The Raziels and I waited as the Sanctuary doors slowly swung open. Dumah's large figure appeared, sporting a dainty pink apron saying 'Kiss the Cook'. The lieutenant still had a spatula clutched in one claw.  
  
DUMAH: (looking around) What's going on here?  
  
MIKOTO: Destroy the demon spawn!  
  
We open fire on Dumah, but our efforts were not so successful.  
  
DUMAH: (deflecting eggs with spatula) Ha! Take that! You think you can out-match my super ninja reflexes? Well think again! I am a master of the spatula!  
  
MIKOTO: It's not working! We have to change tactics!  
  
RAZIEL: (trying to hit Dumah with eggs) But I haven't gotten a chance to win yet!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Win what?  
  
RAZIEL: The game! You won shooting Turel and Sarafan Raz won shooting Uncle Vorador! I wanna win now!  
  
MIKOTO: (to Raziel) Okay! You won! You can stop wasting ammo now!  
  
RAZIEL: Really? I won? I wo-on! I wo-on! I wo-on!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Okay... You got him to stop shooting, but now he won't shut up!  
  
MIKOTO: You don't have to deal with it then. Shift over there and steal Dumah's spatula so we can hit him.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: What? Are you nuts? Me? In the line of fire! I don't think so! I'll get egg gunk on me!  
  
MIKOTO: So what? You can shift back into the spirit world and the egg will remain in the physical world.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: It's not as easy as it looks. That egg stuff is pretty sticky.  
  
MIKOTO: I don't care! I gave you an order! Disobey me and you will be demoted in my great army of destruction!  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: What army? You have no army.  
  
MIKOTO: (conspiring to self) You doubt me now. But soon you shall see. Soon you shall see the destructive power of my army!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Like I said... She's completely loony!  
  
Suddenly, there is a tapping on the driver's door.  
  
DUMAH: (to Clyde) Excuse me sir, but do you have a permit for that?  
  
CLYDE: ...  
  
MIKOTO: (panicking) Don't answer him Clyde! He's not a cop!  
  
DUMAH: I'm afraid you all will have to step out of the vehicle.  
  
We all slowly climb out of the hearse, watching Dumah carefully. He looks from one Raziel to the next, and then glares at me for a long moment.  
  
DUMAH: Who is in charge of this gang of delinquents?  
  
MIKOTO: Go, minions of doom! Attack!  
  
DUMAH: (startled) Huh?  
  
All three Raziels pounce upon Dumah. Screams of pain and suffering can be heard over the thuds of flesh being pounded into silly putty. Clyde slides a 'Censored' sign in front of the carnage as the bloodiest acts of violence unfold. Soon, Dumah's cries of pain fade and the beating ceases.  
  
MIKOTO: There. That takes care of him.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: Hey, look! (points upward) It's Dumah's soul!  
  
S.R Raziel pulls his cowl down and draws Dumah's soul into his body. Dumah's corpse disintegrates.  
  
MIKOTO: (shocked) You fool! You can't eat Dumah's soul now! You'll create a paradox!  
  
I grab my machine gun by the barrel and swing it like a baseball bat at S.R. Raziel's back. Upon cracking my weapon across his spine, I can only assume that he has spit out Dumah's soul, for he is very angry with me.  
  
S.R. RAZIEL: That friggin' hurt! And I lost my lunch! I swear, if you didn't have those authoress powers of yours, I would totally suck your soul dry!  
  
MIKOTO: Impossible! For I have no soul! Mwahahahahaha!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: (to Raziel) Yeah, her soul probably went on vacation a long time ago with her sanity.  
  
RAZIEL: Haha! That so funny! (moment of silence) I don't get it...  
  
MIKOTO: Come my minions! We shall encounter Kain in a final showdown within the very sanctuary of his stronghold!  
  
SARAFAN RAZ: Lord help us.  
  
I courageously led my brigade of Raziels into the depths of the stronghold headed straight for the pillar room. I was sick of playing games. This time, Kain would get his just desserts. Hopefully Raziel won't eat the cake I've baked specifically for Kain. Muahahahahaha! 


End file.
